Tears. Why do they come easily to the eyes of some and not others? “My husband tells me I shouldn’t cry just like that, but I can’t help it. I start crying the moment I learn my daughter has another problem.” I tried to acknowledge this mother’s pain. After all, I am also the mother of a special needs child, but I fell short. I didn’t want to say too much and step out of line. I was there in my role of interpreter.

This woman knows about my son. She knows I understand somewhat. And I do; yet I don’t, because tears don’t come quickly to my eyes.

I have felt that strange feeling in the pit of my stomach, a mixture of sadness, fear, and numbness. But tears... tears don’t come quickly to my eyes.

I have felt like crying many times. I have wished I could just will myself into sobbing until my sadness washed away. Am I holding back the tears? Will there ever come a point when those held-back tears will spill over or through as if a dam could no longer contain them or gave in to their massive weight? Is it that my pain and sadness trickle out of my heart slowly and steadily, so that they will never become a violent current?

Am I dry? Am I blot-drying every little sad, painful, angry feeling, so that they don’t betray me? “Sometimes I fear we are just saying the right things,” said my husband one day. The truth is I understand that woman’s pain. I feel it too. I just don’t cry.

Tears

Sometimes we think they are our enemies.

We push them back. Don’t fall! Don’t fall!

Sometimes they are the only remedy

To wash away our thoughts and pain.

They bring peace, or at least quietness,

Enough for you to gather strength.

Sometimes they force their way.

They know we need them.

Other times they obey and turn around.

My tears have been few compared to those of others. But I know more will fall.