In Retrospect: Three Years Later

April 11th, 2019. Late at night in Children's PICU. Trembling.

Dear all,

Caleb was admitted into the PICU after I brought him in for respiratory distress on Monday. He looked pretty ill, but we all thought we would "simply" end up spending a few days on the 6th floor dealing with an aspiration pneumonia. As he began to look more ill, he was moved to the intensive care unit.

We found out yesterday that he had a yeast infection in his central line. The line was removed today. The yeast is also in his bloodstream, so he is septic. His lungs have been affected too either by the sepsis, or by being infected as well. They are confirming whether or not the infection is in his lungs. Regardless, he is getting treated for a generalized fungal infection. 

We know he is getting good care, but we also know this is very serious. We know he could die from this.

I am compelled to share my theological understanding of things:

I don't believe God is causing this for some mysterious reason.

I don't believe God is allowing this either: I believe many things in life happen against his will and simply because we live in a fallen world where there is evil and there is illness and children die, but someday, as Isaiah 65:19, 20 says: "I will rejoice over Jerusalem [the whole planet Earth] and take delight in my people; the sound of weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more. Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years..."

I don't believe God is in control of everything that happens in this world. We humans have a lot of say in what happens in this world, and so do the spiritual powers.

If my son dies, it won't be because it is God's will, or God needed another "angel" in heaven, or because Paul and I can bear this much. As a preacher very profoundly put it: Crap happens.

Adrenaline keeps me standing for sure, but I tend to forget that, more than anything, it is God's grace giving me and Paul strength. His power is made perfect in our weakness.

Thanks for praying for healing and strength for Caleb and for Paul, Daniel, and myself.

Perla

It's been three years since I drove Caleb to the emergency room at 3 a.m, Monday, April 8th, 2019. Three years since that trip with no return. I sent the above email only a couple days later. This would not be a typical visit, the kind I had gotten used to — pack your things, make an appearance in the ED, up to the 6th floor, and then, a few days later, return home. False alarm. A quick recovery.

Once he was transferred to the PICU, I braced myself for the worst possible outcome—my son dying. I remembered the times I was told after Caleb's birth that God had a plan, that there was a reason for everything... When we were told that God never gives more than one can bear. My blood boiled. In preparation to share the news, I decided to state my point of view. I knew that if somebody came to me with any of those "words of comfort," again, I would explode.

As time has gone by, and I have wrestled with God, I have been forced to examine my perspective, to recognize and acknowledge the filters that have tinted my view, and I have had to make peace with the fact that God does not run this world the way I'd like. Today, three years after Caleb was admitted to the hospital one last time, I would like to revisit the statements I made in that email. 

1. I don't believe God is causing this for some mysterious reason.

I still believe God did not cause my son's blood infection, just like He did not cause the cancer which killed a bright and caring 18-year old who dreamed of making a difference for her family.

2. I don't believe God is allowing this either: I believe many things in life happen against his will and simply because we live in a fallen world where there is evil and there is illness and children die, but someday, as Isaiah 65:19, 20 says: "I will rejoice over Jerusalem [the whole planet Earth] and take delight in my people; the sound of weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more. Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years..."

Even though I hate to admit it, God did allow Caleb's death to happen. Not in the sense that He was okay with letting him get ill and not recover, but in the sense that He has chosen to let things roll in this planet as they naturally can and as we humans direct them... for a while. If He wanted, He could snap his fingers and change everything in the blink of an eye. Yet, He has chosen to wait. For now we live in a broken world where there is illness, and there is violence, and there is death. 

3. I don't believe God is in control of everything that happens in this world. We humans have a lot of say in what happens in this world, and so do the spiritual powers.

I still believe that God is not in control of everything that happens in this world, not because He lacks power, but because He chooses not to micromanage. He gave us free will. Therefore, if Putin wants to invade Ukraine and kill civilians, God is going to allow it. He will not send his celestial army to stop him, even though He could and even though He disapproves of Putin's actions.

4. If my son dies, it won't be because it is God's will, or God needed another "angel" in heaven, or because Paul and I can bear this much. As a preacher very profoundly put it: Crap happens.

This statement is the trickiest, and the one I have struggled with the most afterwards. Why did God not heal Caleb? One possible answer is because I did not ask Him. As far as I remember, all I asked was for God to be with him. But what if He indeed chose to let Caleb die even though He knew my heart and my deepest desire? For a time I thought it must have been my fault. I had lacked faith, so God was not able to perform any miracles in that PICU room. Much later, while reading Jesus' prayer of submission to the Father's will, I wondered, what if? What if the Father did decide Caleb should die? The question would then be, What motivated his decision? Would that be the action of an impassive God with folded arms looking down at his creation with severity and determining everybody's fate? Or would it be the action of a compassionate God who loved my son, who knew every cell of his broken body, who knew there was no path to true healing, but only to more suffering? What if He acted in kindness, for Caleb's sake? He would take care of Paul and me. 

For a long long time, I have grinded my teeth when I hear people say "God is in control" and "God is sovereign" in all sorts of circumstances. They seem to imply that "whatever is happening is happening because God wants it to happen," and that the outcome is controlled by Him and Him alone. In other words, if a woman is kidnapped and murdered in spite of the prayers and efforts to rescue her, God wanted it to be so. Period. That is the view I vehemently reject. However, God's sovereignty does not play out that way (as I now understand). God is sovereign because He has chosen how to interact with our world and how and when to intervene. He has chosen how much longer He will put up with the state of affairs. He has chosen how to deal with our sin and the aftermath. As much as I long for Jesus to come back to set things right, He might be doing us a favor in waiting. After all, the Bible tells us that He does not want anyone to perish. On the contrary, He is patient and wants everyone to repent, that is, to enter into a loving and fruitful relationship with Him. Such a change of heart benefits not just us, but those around us and beyond. It benefits all of creation. There will be forgiveness, healing, and restoration in the end. May you come and wrestle with God as well if you have to. It's worth the fight.