The Song Keeps Changing

Daniel's first months and years of life were filled with songs. The moment he was born, Paul and I sang the Spanish hymn that had become our prayer for him throughout my pregnancy: "May God bless you and protect you. May his grace be your strength at all times. May his angel watch over you, giving you shelter always and everywhere."* 

This hymn and Sandy Patty's "Cradle Song" became my constant prayer, and the songs from my childhood, sung so sweetly and playfully to me and my two younger brothers, became my repertoire at bed time and throughout the day. Songs offered a means to convey a love which I felt could not be expressed with a simple "I love you." To this day, I will sometimes sing to Daniel a string of songs that are both a declaration of love and a prayer.

... I stare in awe and wonder at such a mystery.

How God can touch the love of a man and wife,

And blossom it into the breath of life.

Just look at this life.

(Cradle Song by Sandy Patty)

Then came Caleb.

I remember the day we had our level 2 ultrasound and were told of the "soft markers" pointing to a chromosomal abnormality. I remember the silence, the weight of the news. I remember crying in the car on the way home... more silence... hitting the dashboard. I remember looking up the ultrasound findings on the internet and seeing pictures and information about potential syndromes. I remember sitting every morning in our old brown couch listening to Michael Card... The song was, "Be Thou My Vision."

High King of Heaven, my victory won

May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heav’n’s Sun

Heart of my own heart, whate’er befall

Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all

(Be Thou My Vision by Michael Card)

This Irish hymn became my daily prayer—this time a prayer for myself. I did not know what would befall our family. I did not know my son would be born with trisomy 13 and would almost die at three weeks of age. Music became a lifeline. When I saw him struggle to gain weight, all skin and bones, when I saw him in distress, and I feared he would eventually die, I needed to be reminded that this was not the end of the story—that there was a better place, and that someday everything would be made anew.  "Aslan," in print and in song, became a figure that would sustain me.

Tu voz creó la luz que aún hoy podemos contemplar

Tu voz creó las nubes bajo el cielo y sobre el mar.

Oh, habla otra vez, voz de Jehová,

Repite en mí el milagro, y que te pueda escuchar,

Desata el poderío de tu voz una vez más,

Rugido de león de la tribu de Judá.**

(Aslan by Marcos Vidal)

Music helped me fix my eyes upon a newly found picture of God—a God that truly looked and loved like Jesus. During those days of searching and longing, I listened to the David Crowder Band version of "How He Loves" over and over again. The intensity of the lyrics and the music had a healing, quieting effect on my troubled mind.

He is jealous for me,

Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,

Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden,

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,

And I realize just how beautiful You are,

And how great Your affections are for me.

And, oh, how He loves us, oh,

Oh, how He loves us,

How He loves us all.

(How He Loves by The David Crowder Band)

After a first year filled with uncertainty and fear, things began to improve. A couple of years of remarkably good health followed. There were many reasons to rejoice, and the song changed. An upbeat, joyful song played constantly in my head and in my car: "Everything Glorious."

The day is brighter here with You

The night is lighter than its hue

Would lead me to believe

Which leads me to believe

You make everything glorious

You make everything glorious

You make everything glorious

And I am Yours

What does that make me?

(Everything Glorious by The David Crowder Band)

Seven years have passed since my second son was born. I have wished over the years to remain steady in my faith. I have hoped for Caleb's health to remain stable. I have longed for the world to be a safe place for my kids. If I could control things, I would make sure they don't change. I would be happy with a quiet life without much excitement, if that meant everything would be OK. I have never been very adventurous. I would love for "Everything Glorious" to have remained the song at the top of my personal music chart, but the song keeps changing.

At times the song playing in my head is filled with anxiety, yet I can hear the songs of the past in the background, and they continue to give me hope and strength. The song will keep changing, just as Caleb's health is changing. We have entered a new phase, one with new problems and sorrows. Will there still be joyful songs? I hope so. I hope their sound does not get too muffled by the pain. Will I discover new songs to pray? I know I will. I already have.

* Rough translation of the hymn "Dios te bendiga" by Epigmenio Velasco

** Rough translation of the song "Aslan" by Marcos Vidal:

Your voice created the light that we can still see.
Your voice created the clouds under the sky and above the sea.
Oh, speak again, voice of Yahweh.
Repeat the miracle in me, that I may hear you.
Release the power of your voice once again.
Lion's roar from the tribe of Judah.