Lessons on Grief from Lazarus Story

John 11: 1-44 New International Version (NIV)

Now a man named Lazarus was sick. He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. 2 (This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair.) 3 So the sisters sent word to Jesus, “Lord, the one you love is sick.”

4 When he heard this, Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.”5 Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. 6 So when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days,7 and then he said to his disciples, “Let us go back to Judea.”

8 “But Rabbi,” they said, “a short while ago the Jews there tried to stone you, and yet you are going back?”

9 Jesus answered, “Are there not twelve hours of daylight? Anyone who walks in the daytime will not stumble, for they see by this world’s light.10 It is when a person walks at night that they stumble, for they have no light.”

11 After he had said this, he went on to tell them, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I am going there to wake him up.”

12 His disciples replied, “Lord, if he sleeps, he will get better.” 13 Jesus had been speaking of his death, but his disciples thought he meant natural sleep.

14 So then he told them plainly, “Lazarus is dead, 15 and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.”

16 Then Thomas (also known as Didymus[a]) said to the rest of the disciples, “Let us also go, that we may die with him.”

17 On his arrival, Jesus found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days. 18 Now Bethany was less than two miles[b] from Jerusalem,19 and many Jews had come to Martha and Mary to comfort them in the loss of their brother. 20 When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home.

21 “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. 22 But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.”

23 Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.”

24 Martha answered, “I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.”

25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; 26 and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”

27 “Yes, Lord,” she replied, “I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.”

28 After she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary aside. “The Teacher is here,” she said, “and is asking for you.” 29 When Mary heard this, she got up quickly and went to him. 30 Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. 31 When the Jews who had been with Mary in the house, comforting her, noticed how quickly she got up and went out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to mourn there.

32 When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34 “Where have you laid him?” he asked.

“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.

35 Jesus wept.

36 Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”

37 But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”

38 Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. 39 “Take away the stone,” he said.

“But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.”

40 Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”

41 So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. 42 I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.”

43 When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” 44 The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.

Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”

I read the story of Lazarus a few days after my son's death with fresh eyes... those of a grieving mother. How true it is that we look at things through different lenses, and sometimes we are blind to teachings unless our heart is ripe for them. I love Lazarus story more than ever, and not because of the happy ending, but because of what it teaches me about grief. So far I have learned this: 

God does not desire our death. Even if the apostle Paul says that for him to live is Christ and to die is gain, most of us cling to life not only for our sake, but for the sake of our loved ones. And that is how God designed us. Jesus' response to somebody's death was one of sadness, concern, and compassion for those left behind. He never minimized the pain nor did he try to brush it off. He never said to those he encountered grieving: "Shh, shh, no reason to cry. It was God's will. He is now in a better place."

For Lazarus' two sisters, the hope of the resurrection at the last day was not enough to make peace with their brother's death. They wanted him alive right then. We are told in Paul's first letter to the Thessalonians to encourage each other with the hope of the resurrection, but that hope does not take away the pain, nor does it dry every tear. The hope of the resurrection at the last day is not enough for me to cry out, "Hallelujah! Caleb is now healed!" Because just like Martha and Mary, I would rather have my son with me right here, right now, in his wheel chair, in diapers, with his central line, cooing back and forth with me. 

It is not unusual for the death of a loved one to cause us to question and reproach. It is an expression of our pain. "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." "Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?" And just in case the turn of events were to make us doubt it, we are told at the beginning of the story that Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. 

Today, many of us struggle with the same questions and doubt God's goodness, even if we are among the ones who don't believe that everything happens according to a divine plan. We look around and we ask, "How long, Lord? How long until you come back and restore this broken world?" "Why does it seem that you don't heal miraculously anymore, at least not very frequently?"

Jesus does not hush me. Jesus weeps because He sees me weep. He sees my husband weep. He sees my relatives and my friends weep... He sees all of us who loved, who still love Caleb, weep.

Jesus does tell me, "Perla, did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?" So perhaps I will see a miracle: the miracle of my own resurrection from a state of death, the miracle of my rebirth to hope, the miracle of my transformation from a bundle of lifeless, dry bones to a body which dances with abandonment and full trust and commitment to the one who called in a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out!"